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First Eleven – Unfaithful Footballers

September 17, 2010

Poor Wayne Rooney has been getting an awful lot of abuse in the last week; hasn’t he? Not as much as the Everton fans would have liked but it has been raining down on him from all angles.

That said, it is a well-known fact that Rooney isn’t the only professional footballer to have been caught with his pants down with the wrong woman (or man in some cases). And the whole thing got me thinking for a second time, what would be the greatest line-up of Lothario players to have ever graced the hallowed turf we all worship?

Thankfully the sheer amount of players to choose from meant it was a pretty easy task to draw up a list of potential players; and I’ve done it all without including Wayne in the team though I’m sure I’d find a place on the bench for him and Peter Crouch.

Plus I’ve ended up with a more solid formation than the Dual Nationality team that was very attacking. In a similar fashion to the 4-2-3-1 formation that Rafa Benitez employed at Liverpool a strong base in midfield would allow the four front to go and get the goals; easy.

Captain: #7 George Best

Yeah, like you expected anyone else to be given the job of leading out the boys. The original football playboy, George is probably just as famous for his off-the-pitch antics as he is for being arguably the most talented footballer ever to walk on earth. He would be out partying in the booming Manchester club scene to all hours and then run rings around a fistful of defenders the following day.

And such was George’s popularity that even the jilted husbands of his many conquests couldn’t get their revenge. According to Frank Evans, George Carman, Best’s lawyer tried to offer some Manchester gangsters a ‘pot of cash’ to break his legs when he discovered that the famous No. 7 was sleeping with his wife. However, the wealthy lawyer’s offer was rejected with a stern warning: “I’m not going to harm George (Best). So you can take your money and go somewhere else. But I’ll tell you this – if any harm comes to George I’ll know who did it and I’ll come after you.”

Goalkeeper: #1 Andy Goram

When it came to picking the man to go between the posts, it came down to the eventual choice and the walking disaster that is Mark Bosnich. Eventually though, I decided that Bosnich’s problems had much less to do with his cross-dressing orgys and more to do with the all the other stuff he has been up to.

As it is, Goram is a fine choice. He got his girlfriend pregnant while already engaged to one of his three wives. He had a brief affair with a retired porn actress, an even briefer fling with a 17-year-old actress and is well-known to have bedded Louise Montgomery, a woman famous for her 38D chest and better known as Olga Orbs. Not bad for two men.

Right-back: #2 Alon Harazi

Not an inclusion in the side based on his own sexual prowess but more as the face of the 1999 Israeli football team. Hours before their nations biggest ever football match against Denmark with a place in the European Championships up for grabs, the entire squad partied the night away with a collection of prostitutes. They lost the first leg 5-0 and then did it again before and after the away leg which ended 3-0 before being rumbled.

Left-back: #3 Ashley Cole

Of all the people to cheat on in the world, Ashley Cole went and did it to ‘our wee Cheryl.’ Not happy with having one of the most sought after women in the world ready to greet him when he gets home from work; Cashley was alleged to have cheated on lovely Cheryl Cole in 2008.

And despite being forgiven, the former Arsenal and current Chelsea full-back didn’t learn his lesson. In February of this year, Ashley was caught with his pants down; literally. The England star admitted to sending naked pictures of himself to model Sonia Wild while away with the national side and enough was enough for the X-Factor judge.

Holding midfielder: #4 Jean-François Larios

Jean-François Larios is actually the only player that could potentially play for both the Unfaithful Footballers XI as well as the Dual Nationality XI that I picked last time out as he was actually born in Algeria.

Back to this theme, Larios shot to infamy when it surfaced that he was diddling Michel Platini‘s wife in the build-up to 1982 World Cup. The AS Saint-Étienne player was promptly expelled from the France squad and sent home; though I speculate that if the tables were turned and Platini had have been the adulterer Larios would have still been sent home.

Central defender: #5 John Terry

I can only assume there is little to go into much detail with this one after the year he has had. Formerly the lion-hearted leader of the English football nation, John Terry’s world crashed down around him on Friday 29th January 2010 when a super injunction was lifted after just one week.

The man who was supposed to lead England to World Cup glory in South Africa had been caught out with his former friend’s ex-girlfriend and lingerie model Vanessa Perroncel. He was stripped of the captaincy of his country and hasn’t quite been the same since.

Central defender: #6 Franz Beckenbauer

That’s right. Even ‘The Emperor’ has had his indiscretions; though only in Germany would his situation have been seen as a sex scandal. As a teenager while still learning his trade, Beckenbauer was suspended by the German Football Association for refusing to marry his pregnant girlfriend. Obviously keen to have his cake and eat it too while a young player, Beckenbauer only returned to the national set-up when he agreed to bunk with his coach. Of course, he’s slotting in at centre-back to help the Unfaithful Eleven build from back.

Left winger: #8 Franck Ribery

Not that France needed any help in falling to pieces at the World Cup, but they got it thanks to the exploits of Ribery and some of his French team-mates with 17 year-old Zahia Dehar. While Karim Benzema and Sidney Govou were also fingered for sleeping with the underage prostitute, it was Ribery that swept the headlines.

The tricky winger, who helped Bayern Munich to the Champions League final and the Bundesliga title in 2009-10, is said to have flown Zahia from France to Germany and paid up to £2,000 per night for sex. Added to the France squads sheer contempt for Raymond Domenech and the whole ‘hand of Theirry’ debacle, it all ended up with Les Bleus refusing to train in South Africa and then going out on a whimper.

Striker: #9 Ronaldo

On Monday 28th April 2008, the highest scorer in World Cup history dropped his girlfriend Maria Beatriz Antony off at her Rio de Janeiro home and then picked himself up three prostitutes. The foursome checked themselves into a motel and were all set to get down to business when Ronaldo discovered three ‘additional features’ that he wasn’t expecting.

All three prostitutes were men.

Ronaldo attempted to pay for the silence of the transvestites by settling the bill early but they wanted more or they would go to the media. In the end, the beans were spilled to every new outlet going and Ronaldo’s engagement was cancelled. Now married to Maria; the couple have just had their second child together which is nice.

Centre midfielder: #10 David Beckham

I feel dirty employing David Beckham in the ‘quarterback’ role that now he takes on for L.A. Galaxy and Milan but trying to stick him out on the right-wing makes as much sense as cheating on a Spice Girl with Rebecca Loos.

Victoria Beckham is a Spice Girl. Rebecca Loos is most famed for masturbating a pig and gathering its semen. Exactly.

Right winger: #11 Garrincha

FIFA consider Garrincha as the best Brazilian player ever after Pelé. He’s also amongst the elite when it comes to skillful dribblers. But when it comes to footballer’s being promiscuous and getting bored with monogamy, he is in a league of his own.

It has so far been proven that Garrincha had fourteen children during his lifetime, though another twenty-four potential spawn are still at large. On a tour of Sweden in 1959, Garrincha got a local Swedish girl pregnant before returning to an angry mob in Brazil. During the foray that ensued, Garrincha ran over his father in his car.

Eight years later, ‘little bird’ walked on his wife and eight daughters for the famous samba singer Elza Soares. As both had been previously married, more angry mobs ensued though what more can be expected a man who apparently lost his virginity at 12 to a goat? My thoughts entirely.

Unfaithful Footballing First XI

While there was a massive part of me that wanted to include Lee Hendrie in the team; there is the final team. My Unfaithful Footballing First Eleven; though they wouldn’t be much good to try and lead to long term glory.

No loyalty.

*bad-dum-tsch*

No?

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