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How do you fill a hole like Wayne Rooney?

October 24, 2010

What if Wayne Rooney hadn’t made himself look like a massive idiot by changing his mind about Manchester United in under a week? How would Sir Alex Ferguson have replaced his leading striker? Luckily for The First Eleven, Tim Morgan off of Picklive was there for the meeting between Sir Alex and David Gill that didn’t happen. Thankfully, Tim didn’t let the fact he is Welsh and a massive Swansea fan sway what he saw…

Rooney has left Old Trafford for £50m. What happens next? Since stories at Old Trafford are as scripted as ‘The Hills” (with a less good looking cast), and since I’m Alex Ferguson, I’m lucky enough to know what happens next:

Gill: Alex, the BBC are outside and want to speak to you about who you’re gonna sign with the £50m we got for Rooney.

SAF: I won’t speak to the BBC

Gill: why not?

SAF: because ages ago they made a Panorama about my son and I wasn’t happy about it

Gill: what was the show about?

SAF: I cant remember now

Gill: do you think everyone might have forgotten about the Panorama show if you didn’t remind them about it every Saturday night when you refuse to speak to Match of the Day?

SAF: I don’t know but I do know that its important to be moody and act tough and as uncompromising as possible

Gill: can you remember any Panorama show apart from the one you remind everyone of everytime you refuse to speak to the BBC?

SAF: I think there was one about sex trafficking once…

Gill: will you tell me what you’re gonna do with the £50m, the Glazers say you can spend it all on players.

SAF: I won’t be intimidated by a couple of Double Glazing salesmen, I’m Sir Alex Ferguson, from Glasgow, tough and uncompromising

Gill: the Glazers are not actual glazers, that’s just the name. Like you’re not really the son of someone called ‘Fergus’ are you?

SAF: I am actually

Gill: anyway, what you gonna spend the money on?

SAF: well Ryan Giggs needs replacing. Can you think of any left sided Welsh chaps that are arguably the best player in the Premiership?

Gill: what about that one that Tim Morgan from Picklive has been banging on about since pre-season?

SAF: oh you don’t listen to that sheep shagger do you?

Gill: Gareth Bale

SAF: no I mean Tim Morgan

Gill: yeah I know what you mean, but the player is called Gareth Bale.

SAF: okay I’ll have him for £30m

Gill: alright £20m left

SAF: whats the name of that fella in the Championship that’s making all the headlines and scoring all the goals

Gill: you know City wont let us have Bellamy

SAF: I won’t be intimidated by a couple of Double Glazing salesmen, I’m Sir Alex Ferguson, from Glasgow, tough and uncompromising

Gill: The Glazers don’t own City

SAF: I don’t want Bellamy I want the one that DOES score goals. 9 in 10 starts? 10 years younger than Bellamy, much better than him, plays up top for the Swans or in a wide role

Gill: you cant mean Mark Gower?

SAF: Scott Sinclair – I want Scott Sinclair

Gill: I’m not sure you’ll get him for £20m

SAF: but the Swans only paid £500K for him

Gill: but they mugged Chelsea he’s worth £20m easy

SAF: that’s what I’ll do with my £50m, Gareth Bale and Scott Sinclair.

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